RE: Model Issue. I am responsible for my friend being upset ?


Hi brooke,

Thank you for your answer. It helpt a lot. I am not sure, can the R be a thought ? What can be in R actually. I thought the R should always be a fact, not a thought not a feeling not an action, but a fact. In your correction of my model, you suggested a thought as a R so I am probably wrong with this. Here is what I have now:

A the time :

C: A says that as a dad, he would be upset to not have known his daughter boyfriend was going to propose.
T: That’s macho and A shouln’t be thinking this way.
F: Angry
A: I tell him that what he said was macho
R: (thought) I shoulnd’t juge people.

I don’t see how R confirm T here.
So R here is the thought I have about the circumstance that is my A in this model. So I can make another model with my action being the circumstance.

C: I tell A that what he said was macho
T: I shoulnd’t juge people
F: Shame
A: I leave the room with my best friend
R: (thought) I always make trouble in groups

C: A said I was being rude.
T: I don’t want the group to reject me.
F: Fear of rejection
A: I apologized for what I said
R: (fact) The group don’t reject me.

Today :

C: This summer, I said A that what he said was macho
T: I shouldn’t juge people
F: Shame
A: Buffering
R: I still think and feel the same way about this

C: I apologized to A this summer
T: I was being an hypocrite
F: Shame
A: Buffering
R: I still think and feel the same way about this

How can I replace this today ?

C: The whole wedding argument
T: I know I did what felt right at the time
F: Compassion
A: I forgive myself
R: When I see picture of the summer, I feel good about the good memories we have together and what I learnt about myself hanging out with my friends.

Next time in the same situation, this is the model I wan’t to have :

C: A says that as a dad, he would be upset to not have known his daughter boyfriend was going to propose.
T: I think this is macho, why would A think this way.
F: Curious
A: I ask him why he would be upset.
R: We have a constructive conversation about this.

What do you think about my corrections ?

Thanks again.

Esther