Reading and buffering

I am a content consumer. I work in sales and drive for many hours a day. I constantly listen to Youtube or podcasts and I am SO full of information it is borderline insane.

I think I might be doing this as a buffer. It’s not conscious. Sometimes I even drive around aimlessly just listening to podcasts, partly because I like it, but also partly because it’s so damn soothing to my rattled nervous system. The more I think about it, the more I can see that this behaviour is unconscious. I’m seeking something, a magical piece of information that will make me feel better, that will suddenly make everything “click.” I really am looking for that “one missing thing” that I have simply been missing.

This buffering shit runs deep. I’m trying to “figure out” or “solve” my life so that I can, I think, avoid pain.

I think I might need to put down the information for a bit, but god – isn’t EVERYTHING buffering pretty much?

What ISN’T buffering? Biting my nails, my inner lip, listening to podcasts, reading, checking my phone all the time, watching tv, researching on the internet… is everything seriously buffering?

I have a thought that “I must end all buffering.” I have another thought that “I must feel all my feelings; this is the key.”

When we feel feelings, is it that we allow ourselves to feel them without thoughts?

My brain is so fast…