Ready to look for thoughts to support intimacy with my spouse

I’m seeing the model as this incredible new toy I can use to explore anything, so I’m pulling situations and experimenting. All limits are off. I can go anywhere to make a change just because I want to. I don’t have to wait for it to show up in a download. I can consciously ask myself, what would you like to play with today? Here’s what I’m working on. It’s bold for me to imagine wanting to have any intimate contact with my spouse. It would do us a world of good, even if we do move forward with a divorce. He’d love this wall to come down. It would likely be good for me too. This model is just about physicality. I’ve been doing LOTS of work on the emotional side of this, which for me is certainly linked to physical desire. I do think if I my thoughts helped me get to physical attraction it might help with the emotional. So, let’s have at it.

C: No sex, touching, intimacy with spouse
T: He’s too disgusting physically
F: Repulsed
A: Remove myself. No touching.
R: No sex, no kind touches of the hand, more barriers between us. Daughter has parents who never touch or kiss, ever. Sucks for everyone.

C: No sex, touching, intimacy with spouse
T: ?
F: Desire
A: Touch his hand. Give him a hug. Kiss his cheek or give him a peck on his mouth.
R: A moment or more of a physical connection.

Been contemplating ladder thoughts. I know this is on me and my thoughts, on me to see if there’s a way that I can find attraction without him changing anything. I know it’s possible for me to find him attractive because it started to happen recently. He had major surgery and was briefly easier to be around (my thoughts tell me, I know this has nothing to do with him), I had thoughts that led to my feeling the beginning tinges of attraction. I ask myself, since my attraction to him is not dependent on him or his being any different, what thoughts did I suddenly have when his behavior changed? Can I cultivate those thoughts now? Because, again, we all know this has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me and my thoughts. I feel big resistances to letting this back in, and to letting him in. All these thoughts about MAYDAY, MAYDAY, DO NOT ENTER. THIS IS NOT A SAFE PLACE TO BE. EXIT IMMEDIATELY.

I see two paths for myself to explore simultaneously. One: work on those MAYDAY thoughts. Been doing that almost daily, and am talking with coach about it. Two: Come from the other side and look for thoughts that make him physically attractive. This side I’m bringing to you today.