Realizing a thought I have for so long creates intense frustration and shame

I am working on money and why I am under-earning. I discovered I have had this thought since childhood: I am already too lucky. Having more (including having money) would be too much.

The model was:
C: I am making less than 20 000 a year.
T: I am already too lucky to have money.
A: I never run my own projects, I am underpaid or even not paid, etc. (20 years of that.)
R: I don’t make more money.

I have been coached on this, which made me consider what this thought means about me (I am compassionate, I have a high sense of justice, etc.) But as I realized this thought, “I am already too lucky,” I found myself not that lucky. I suddenly looked at my life from another point of view, and all that I usually love having (and want to have) seems so “low,” “normal,” and even “too poor.”

For example, my house suddenly seems so old and not practical, I see everything that I don’t like and I don’t have enough money to fix it or renovate it.

The 2 feelings I have are intense frustration and shame. I did the model from these two emotions but I can’t find the circumstance line.
T: My house is old, dark, not practical, I am fed up with it
F: Intense frustration about my life, especially my house
A: I am trying hard to make it nicer, I am working from here to there, I am yelling at my husband because he “never considers my efforts”
R: Big fight with my husband

T: Until now, I was not able to make enough money to give more than the minimum to my children
F: Shame
A: I think about it, again and again, I cry, I don’t sleep, I compare my life to others…
R: Intensely emotional = tired

I may have been using the model and coaching against myself?

C: I discovered that I always had the T “I am already too lucky to have more”
T: Stupid me, I had so low expectations all my life
E: Self-hate?
A: I am struggling with that feeling, I see everything from a bad angle, I answer aggressively to my husband…
R: Internal and external conflict, discouragement, deception

Could you help me with all that?
Thank you