Hi,
For a long time now, pretty much since we had our first child 7 years ago, I feel disconnected from my husband. We no longer do the things we used to enjoy together, mostly because they were outdoor activities that our three young kids cannot yet participate in. We sometimes hire a babysitter, but it’s rare and the connection that happens is short lived. We have no sex life, and currently I have absolutely no interest in it (although he does but he has stopped trying because I have always said no).
I definitely have a manual for him, the main one being ‘I want him to seek connection with me’ by acts such as talking, planning things like house renovations or holidays together, talking about the goals we have. However, he doesn’t ever initiate such conversations. It is always me, and also, our goals can be quite different, so then we sometimes end up arguing!

The issue I have is that when I think ‘I’ll drop the manual’ – I also think well, why are we even together, if he is just the way he is, and I don’t really like it, then why bother!

I know connection is created through thinking, but I can’t think of thoughts to think that would make me feel more connected.

I very often feel frustrated about the state of our marriage, and sometimes think it’s not worth bothering to make it better, because I could choose to be quite happy just doing my own thing and ‘tolerating’ him like a brother or a roommate, staying together just for the sake of the children. But then I think into the future, and I long-term I don’t want our marriage to be like it is currently. I don’t truly want to leave either, especially because if a happy marriage is all down to MY thinking, then that means I CAN change it, if I choose to.

Can you help me generate some thoughts that would create a connection? Where do I start?

Thank you.