I’d like to ask for your insights on this argument I’ve had with my husband today that is just a variation on an argument we’ve had hundreds of times before.
Context: We have two little boys and are both very involved in our work, but there is this unspoken idea floating between us that his work offers less flexibility than mine (I work for myself whereas he’s part of a bigger organization) and that the stakes of his work are higher (he earns more and stands to earn even more if he plays his cards right).
The recurring argument goes something like this: last week I offered to watch the kids on a weekend afternoon so he could get work done, and in exchange he would watch the kids one afternoon this weekend so *I* could get work done (which I want to do, I am very passionate about my work and love every minute of it).
In the meantime something came up at his job, this big emergency thing that he needs to take care of with a lot of money at stake. He’s been very stressed about it, working late, and as we talked about it today he said he’d need to work over the weekend and said he would try to watch the kids for me but wasn’t sure, it would depend on his progress.
Next thing I know, I realize that he had forgotten that we had this quid pro quo agreement (last weekend was for him, this one was for me). No memory of his commitment.
My thinking around this is: he thinks his work is more important than mine, he doesn’t care that I have deadlines and important projects too, he makes promises and forgets all about them, he imposes his constraints on me.
I feel: not considered, powerless, frustrated, indignant.
I’m struggling to find a good C for my model. Can his going back on his word, or not keeping his commitment be a C? I don’t have it in writing so it’s his word against mine.
On the coaching call with the mother going back on the rent price, you told the coachee that she could just pay the $150 and say no problem, but I don’t want to just watch the kids whenever he needs me to and shut up about it.
Obviously I’m arguing with reality, but I feel stuck with this.
I plan to work on our relationship next week for sure (doing my mother this week), but I am hoping to get some clarity around this particular issue before then.