My spouse and I just had a fight (finally) after four days of him giving me the cold shoulder. His pattern is to not speak to me for several days when I do something that upsets him. After 20 years of this, I have learned to get used to it, but it still bothers me and my thoughts about it make me feel really bad. The fight was about me interrupting him when he talks. He told me that I do this all of the time and that I always make everything about me and that is why he never wants to tell me anything. Fair enough.

The problem I’m having is taking this feedback constructively and being able to do something with it to positively change our relationship while not creating thoughts about myself that won’t serve me (i.e., beating myself up.. which I really really really want to do right now).

One thought I keep having is, “If this is such a recurring problem that makes him so miserable, then why are we even married?” Also, “I sound like a downright terrible person the way he describes me… why would anyone want to be in this relationship with me?” I know intellectually these thoughts don’t serve me, and they feel terrible. I see how I’m making myself a victim, but I feel stuck in how to move forward. I want to be an adult about this. And I also want to love myself. So how do I treat myself compassionately, while acknowledging his grievance and not creating thoughts that justify my own behavior?