Red Flags? Boundaries? Caring for Self? Being understanding and accepting?


Hello,
I am sorting through a relationship that ended, my thoughts and feelings about it, and what happened – him/me. I’m having that thought that there were “red flags” that I ignored and I’m trying to figure out what to do with these/how to process this experience, determine what I did wrong or should have done differently. Unfortunately this is the ending of relationship with my husband of 10 years with whom I still have two young children, so I cannot remove him from my life the way I wish I could.
So, a couple things that I let slide, that now I think I shouldn’t have are:
When we were driving in the car, him driving and me riding I would sometimes feel anxious, and have thought he was driving too close to the cars in front of us. I would have a gut reaction to grab the handrest, etc. I tried different methods to communicate my discomfort. First I just told him, later I suggested I make a little siren noise to be a bit more fun and playful. In the end he just told me I was anxious and that when I am driving I’m close to the cars in front of us too. He may be right about this at times, but I feel more comfortable when I am driving. At any rate, it seemed he didn’t make an effort to drive differently, or to be mutual and collaborative. There was one time we were going to visit a friend when our oldest daughter was little. He told me I should drive so he didn’t have to hear me complain. So I was driving, pumping (breastmilk), and trying to text our friend – he didn’t really take over any components of the trip.
What I am seeing here is that I could have made a boundary that if he doesn’t drive in a way that is comfortable for me that I would drive, which is basically what I did, but then I was doing everything and I didn’t feel good about the way this situation worked out. We also had a young child by this time, so it’s not like I was going to say that I was going to break up with him over this. I’m not sure how I could have better handled this.
Now that I am writing this I realize that the number of things all seemed like bothersome annoyances, none of them seemed like something that were break-up worthy. He didn’t show up for me at times. He didn’t show up for my children at times. Now things and his behavior (or my perception of it) are much worse, however I’m trying to focus on what happened back then and what different decisions I could have or should have made and how to manage things better for myself and my life going forward.
I want to be understanding and humble that we all have challenges and not be judgmental, but now I think I ended up letting myself marry and have children with a very inconsiderate person who is currently creating circumstances that allow me a lot of practice in this work.