I am very excited for the new Relationships course you are doing, and your exploration of feminine energy and being open to receive.
As a smart woman who was also told growing up to focus on my education and never depend on a man — which was 100% well intentioned and I’m so grateful for it — the only drawback to this is that I grew up feeling like I was missing out on being allowed to fully express my gender. (This is definitely a 21st century way of putting it.) At the time, I just got the manual that I had to be a tough, invulnerable brainiac, not a dumb bimbo. It’s a hard manual for me to let go of, even with what I know after lots of work on myself and certification with LCS.
There was something you said in episode 351 that you did with Dr. Kim Golden that really struck a chord with me: “‘I don’t want people buying me gifts and everyone was sending me gifts.’ And [Apriel] goes, ‘Well, that’s because you’re in your masculine energy.’ And it was such a profound aha moment for me. Like really realizing I have been blocking that area of my life. Where many of my clients want to send me beautiful things and I’m like, ‘No, no, no. I don’t need that. Don’t send that to me.’ Because I’m in that very strong masculine energy.”
A year ago, you coached me about my issue of “I’ve always been the ‘smart’ girl….so therefore I can’t get married.” Remember that? I know I sounded ridiculous! I made progress with that coaching. I opened up to being more okay with that want. We chipped away at the old manual that day. But what I couldn’t articulate at the time was that I was really longing for a part of myself that, once unveiled, would make me open to actually receiving, actually being in the feminine energy in my relationship and having that full experience. And I was only feeling like I needed my boyfriend to propose because I had been suppressing a part of myself for so many years. I was wanting a part of myself that I felt I had to hide to get along in the world and be a “good feminist.” 🙄 I wanted him to blink first, instead of me being vulnerable and open.
At the same time, while I know I create being in my feminine energy with my thoughts and feelings, it is very tied to my subjective sense of my ability to attract, receive, and be vulnerable. It’s akin to how we talk here about creating an “irresistible offer” in the result line. We can’t control if the other person likes peaches, but we can control how great of a peach we show up as.
A feminine energy coach I worked with pre-Scholars told me that I should look at the Universe as a lover who wants to shower me with gifts. And I was like, “uh, a lover would want to give me things? I’m not supposed to want/need stuff from people.” I realized then that my concept of the Universe was formed from being in my masculine energy — I was seeing the Universe as more like a Crossfit coach who is yelling at me to do one more pushup for my own good. Know what I mean? Gotta be tough, earn it, prove myself.
And the ability to do that is a wonderful thing. But exhausting and inauthentic to be there all the time.
I am SO appreciative that you and Kim acknowledge that this is hard work. But I can do hard things, so here are my Models.
C: My boyfriend____.
T: “I’m the smart girl who is not allowed to want marriage.”
A: When he brought up marriage the first time with me, I laughed it off. Then again the second time, I dismissed the idea. Then I brought it up with him from an angry place and then he was resistant. It has been a year and a half since I have brought it up, despite his bringing up the issue of our estate plans. Not showing up as the best “peach” I can be, despite being told he does want a “peach.” LOL.
R: I don’t allow myself to receive from him, and I’m not really being “smart” about it.
C: My boyfriend____.
T: “I am allowed to be vulnerable and receive.”
F: Real/like home
A: Show up as the best peach I can be. “Stop blocking that area of my life.” Not push, but not hide how I feel.
[I am still trying to figure out what being open and vulnerable really looks like in the action line that isn’t just some form of, “jump around in a Goddess robe, take a bubble bath, maybe wear more pink.” Help! Hope to learn more with these upcoming classes.] “Be in that safe space to relinquish control of my life….”
R: I am available to receive.
Interesting stuff. Excited for more. Thanks!!