Regretting decision to divorce… maybe?

I divorced my ex about 6 years ago. It was my decision, made after years of me not getting what I consistently asked for in terms of financial support and help on the homefront. I could have done it better. I basically cheated on him (just kissed someone else), so I then felt I “had to” leave the relationship. The break felt very sudden, painful, and like a betrayal to my ex (he said all this). There was lots of painful fall-out, even years after our divorce, as he wants to have ZERO communication or relationship with me ever again.

I have been trying to forgive myself for years. I now miss my ex a lot bc we had a very special bond, very unlike my current relationship (which is also special, just very different). But I wanted different and I got it 🙂 I also now have a beautiful 2 year-old daughter, which I don’t believe I ever could have with my ex. But who knows?

But sometimes I wonder and get very sad, wishing my current family was with my ex. I just miss him. And that feels very sad and like a big loss, and I feel like is my fault.

I know I did my best at the time. But that thought doesn’t feel like enough to assuage the pain of missing him, and knowing I brought that on myself (and both of us). I just feel so guilty and sad and unsure of how to turn it around in a way that doesn’t feel fake or gloss over the reality of the sadness.