I feel ashamed and guilty today, because yet again last night I said what I thought about an employee of my husband’s. There have been lots of circumstances that I’ve made mean that I am not as important to him as his work and this employee.
The belief that I’ve really entrenched is that I am not as important as issues at work or employees. I’ve taken many circumstances and have made them mean this. Then I talk about the events or the people because in some part of my brain I still think my husband will change his mind, proclaim agreement with everything I say, and then I’ll feel better.
Last night he said to me, “If you keep this up, you are going to break us.” And I know he is correct. I’ve gotten better and accepting the responsibility for my thoughts and how I feel about myself. So this morning I’m still not really believing my importance, and a lot of guilt for dragging him through the crap again. I just started the month in the Vault on Changing your Past, which I think will be helpful. So, can a belief be a circumstance in a model?
Circumstance: I hold the belief that I am not important.
Thought: People don’t value me.
Feelings: Desperate, neglected, rejected, discouraged, heavy in my chest and just without any spark or effervescence.
Actions: Attack my husband for events in the past where I felt neglected, try to get him to agree with me on people who work for him I don’t like, go over stories over and over again that reinforce my belief.
Result: Don’t value myself.
I feel weak in the last part of the model, the A/R lines. Thanks for your feedback!