Rejecting love


I am a Mum with 2 kids – age 6 and 3. At the moment in a very painful place of realising that I could be ruining my kids lives. Obviously kids want Mum’s love, but I am being aware that I am pushing them away. And the reason being deep down is I feel I don’t deserve being loved.

C – Picking up my daughter (6 year old), parked in school ground, strapped her in car seat, told her I would fill up the water bottles at the school as we were going to the zoo. As I was walking back to the car, my daughter was outside the car, crying with her teacher – who was the school ground watch for the afternoon. She was crying. Teacher said she got out of the car and ran from the car back towards the school. I asked my daughter – “why did you get out of the car”. She said “because I want you”
T – This is annoying. Why can’t you just stay in the car. You know I wasn’t going to be long. Why do you have to be wanting me all the time. This is embarrassing. Teacher would think I am a terrible Mum.
F – Disconnected
A – I walked her back to the car, holding hands. (But I know deep down, if I was OK with accepting her love and need for me, and unconditionally love her back, I would picked her up, carried her back to the car, said I’m sorry you were terrified. I love you) What I did yesterday was very stiff – I was putting up a wall between her and me.
R – OK relationship with my daughter but not based on loving, unconditional love.

Really working backwards
R – loving relationship with my daughter
A – hugs, loving actions and words
F – loving
T – I’m stuck in the T line to produce my loving feeling. Intellectually I know, I am 100% worthy and lovable. She is 100% worthy and lovable. But years of self put down, verbal self assault in my head – I think I need some thought ladder to get to that 100% worthy and lovable.

Help….

Thank you