rejecting myself — turning it around


Previously I asked for help with the A and R line in the model, and have been trying to work backward from the R line in my intentional model. I’m in the process of changing my thinking/beliefs around approval seeking in my work. The trend that I’ve noticed (over the past several years, prior to scholars) and in different aspects of my life is that I strongly dislike the feeling of rejection, and often reject myself through projected thoughts. Luckily I am in a great line of work to confront this experience (I am an actor / in the arts) because projected rejection is very easy when performing and auditioning.

So here’s what I’m working with — would love feedback and suggestions and any processes on how to keep building the habit of being my #1 fan, being my own authority figure, fully accepting myself, and moving past the habit of rejecting myself in the moment. Thank you.

Here is an example of what sometimes happens when I’m on stage or auditioning — I’m really sensitive and have heightened sensory experiences, especially hearing — sometimes noises or lack of noises pull me out of my own physical experience in the moment and into negative thoughts in my head:

unintentional
C – the audience is silent (when I make a joke)
T – the artistic director hates my work
F – rejected
A – I tighten and start muscling the moment to get approval
R – I reject myself

——

intentional
C – the audience is silent
T – whatever happens or doesn’t happen is perfect
F – FREE + completely in my body
A – follow true impulses in the moment
R – complete + total freedom onstage

(before finding Brooke’s work, the most helpful thing for finding freedom has always been Byron Katie’s work, and the realization that Reality is God, which now I’m realizing is just a thought that fuels different actions and result, so here’s a model based on that).

intentional #2
C – the audience is silent
T – the moment is inevitably perfect OR I accept the perfection of all that is
F – FREE + completely in my body
A – follow true impulses in the moment
R – complete + total freedom onstage

**The challenge is getting my thought/body to start really believing this in real-time on stage — rejection + tightness can happen so quickly.

Thank you!