I am starting to really see clearly that I grew up in a house that thrived off of problems in a terrible way.
Our family made the constant problem focus one of 3 things:
Debt in our family
The latest fight we had with each other or someone else or something outside of the family
The way we dealt with these problems was a lot of complaining, blaming, entitlement, defensiveness, validation, and grudges. What I am seeing now, is it was oddly the excitement we held onto daily, weekly, yearly that also seemed to breed connection and love (not the kind I like now).
I feel sincerely f*cked up about this now because all of that feels terrible as an adult and I seriously don’t want my relationship with problems to be this way. Since I am an adult, I am trying so hard not to blame anyone for my own crap and take responsibility, but the same spiral feels like it’s getting louder and louder to the point where I feel paralyzed and depressed moved to do nothing and be around no one.
I don’t want to blame ANYONE or ANYTHING for my problems and I want to stop seeing them as things that are “in the way” of my true happiness as this obsessive focal point to be fixated on to the point of alienation.
I don’t even know where to start. Please help.