I am seeking some feedback on an issue that I have, which is probably one that causes me the most pain in my life overall. I can narrow down some of the thoughts and am aware of the thoughts when they happen, but they feel so true at the moment.
My issue deals with insecurity in relationships, especially close ones. I am married, have three beautiful kids, a great professional career, and many good quality long-lasting friendships and family relationships, which is why I am so embarrassed about this! I usually hide it, but it sometimes seeps out, mostly in my relationships with my husband or best friend.
Even when there is so much evidence to the contrary, I tend to have recurrent thoughts during times of change or distance that my loved one will get sick of me or does not value the relationship as much as I do. I worry that I love them more or find someone else that they would rather have than me. The most recent example was this past weekend when I assumed my best friend and I would go to brunch like we do 90% of the time on Sundays, and she let me know she’d made plans with another friend instead.
I tried to process with a thought download, I could see my thoughts and my model in action, but I started to judge myself so harshly.
My initial thoughts were, “see! she doesn’t value our time as much”, “she likes someone else more than me,” etc.
I immediately feel insecure, and then I feel shame and anger that I am having these feelings at this point in my life. I worry she will judge me for my insecurity. I fear rejection by close people to me. My action is usually to become distant, moody, quiet, or pull away.
She gets angry and feels I’m playing a game, and then we are a bit distant until we talk it through. So I can see how I’m getting that result.
Yesterday we talked about it, and while she very much understands this material and listens to podcasts, she mentioned that she had called her coach/therapist. (not life coach school) for advice. He told her that at this point in my life, I should not still be dealing with these thoughts; we should not have conflict about this kind of thing; basically, the fact that I’m still struggling with insecurity is not good and is very problematic and immature.
My best friend and I are very close, it’s a very warm, trusting, open friendship where we talk about everything, and that is what we did; we worked it out. I know managing my mind is my job and that my insecure feelings and thoughts are my issue to address, but I think one thing getting in my way is my absolute shame over them. I wouldn’t say I like this side of me. When I feel insecure, I become so embarrassed and uncomfortable and make it mean all of these things. There’s something wrong with me.
I need help on where to start to do some heavy work in this area. I just joined scholars but have listened to Brooke for years. I understand the material, can use the principles in all other areas, but I can’t seem to rid myself of this insecure piece.
I hate how I act when I feel insecure, I know it pushes others away, but it is just such a deep-rooted feeling.