I have an issue with my fiancé.
This issue is that since he asked me to marry him he has put up various reasons about why we can’t be married. We have been together for many years. He proposed in December 2018.
Firstly he wanted to do a pre-marriage course, then it was because he wanted to complete the couples survey and meet with the advisory couple assigned to us through the course. Then it was because my ex-husband stopped paying maintenance and my fiancé said I wasn’t financially viable and it would be disastrous for us to be together. Then it was because we would have to live in my house initially and it’s too small (his opinion). I suggested we have a small wedding locally and use my brother’s garden for a reception (nice garden, nice brother, nice offer). Fiancé didn’t want to do that. I said, let’s just go to a registry office and have a big celebration another time. He didn’t want to do that. I said, let’s get married in your family village and have a reception in your family home. He didn’t like that either. A friend offered to lend their marquee. So kind. He didn’t want that either.
I asked him if he would like to move in before we get married which was crossing a boundary for me, but I thought that if it helped in our relationship then it was a worthy sacrifice. He said yes and that he was delighted to be asked. That was last April and he has not moved in for various reasons.
Each time he has said these things I’ve just thought, “That’s ok, that’s his thought, and it’s fine, he can have his thoughts”. I tried very hard not to feel rejected and spent time working on myself, my goals, who I want to be etc.
But I did think, ‘This is odd. He comes back, says he misses me, wants us to be together forever. But now he’s acting like I’m forcing him to get married.” It was very odd.
Then with lockdown we haven’t been in the same house.
And it was such a release. I felt that I had spent over a year accepting what he said, when it was not my desire.
Before lockdown I did say to him I wasn’t sure where there was space for the relationship to move forward as everything was locked down by him and that he had decided everything and not really wanted my opinion, he admitted that this was the case.
Before he proposed we had split up for over a year and I was getting my life back on track, emotionally. I felt great about myself. When he came back and proposed, out of the blue, I was so delighted. I realized how much I love him. But then last year and early this year, he put all the brakes on. And I think I might have made a big mistake. I still feel great about myself. My confusion is he says he wants one thing and seems to act in another way.
Early on during lockdown he started to talk about whether there was a way we could see each other and it gave me much anxiety.
Because I was just being able to breathe again, here in my house. And not have this thought in my head that for some reason or other I would be found wanting. And there he was saying that he wanted to see me.
Now, he is talking about us being together, and him moving in after lockdown is over.
I’m not sure what he wants from me.
The way I am dealing with it is by sorting my own life out. By being the person I want to be, by joining SCS. One of the reasons I joined SCS is that I want to get one of my children into a private school in September. I had applied for help with the school fees and was not successful in securing a grant. I decided I was going to get my child into this school, and joined SCS to help with the mindset I need to do that. I have now secured 62% funding for the fees. Can you believe that! Now I am working on my Q2 Impossible Goal to raise my income to be able to afford the rest.
But my problem is that me sorting my life out runs in parallel to the relationship I have with my fiancé. It’s not sorting that part of our relationship out.
Typing this gives me great anxiety. I do thought downloads and models and each time I think it’s helped. But then it comes back to this again.
I know I can’t control him and that’s a great thing. I don’t want to control him.
I don’t want to be with someone who is half hearted about our relationship.
I suppose my question is am I doing something wrong that I don’t see?