Relationship with money

Can somebody help point me to a resource to improve my relationship with money? I noticed that I feel anxious about material that discusses how to make more money, or how to spend less money, and stuff like that. Right now, I feel like I would like to just feel better in my relationship with money.

I have a scarcity mindset and I can’t really get out of it. I want to feel at peace with money, like we are friends.  I want to feel safe and supported and like money doesn’t have control over my life.  Right now, I feel like I’m in a toxic relationship with money. I can never get enough, she can never make me happy, I think that she can make me feel freedom and she tries, but it doesn’t work and I end up frustrated and angry. I’m ungrateful, greedy, hoarding, and I know it.

I don’t trust that money will always be there when I need it. I’m scared of her leaving me all the time, and I obsessively hoard and count to try and relieve the anxiety I feel about not having enough. I want to LOVE money, but I’m so scared that I don’t. I’m probably pushing her away.  Sometimes I let her out of the house (spend it), but I feel guilty shortly after. That was a bad idea, I shouldn’t be so relaxed, I should be more protective. Sometimes I return things and sometimes I steal things to get more of her back because of my feelings of guilt and regret.

No matter how much I have it’s never enough. I grip so tightly to her presence hoping that maybe one day it will feel like enough and it doesn’t.  Yes, eventually I want to talk about how to make more. But it feels futile when I have this kind of relationship like I’ve described, where having more doesn’t give me what I need. I’m trying to control her when really, she has complete control over me.

In the context of a relationship with money, I want to feel peace, love, trust, freedom, gratitude.  How can I improve my relationship with money?