relationship with my son

My son is 8 yo and has oppositional defiance disorder. I have been having a hard time, more increasingly lately, with wanting to be around him, not knowing how to discipline him. I decided to go into the vault and do the homework on Relationships and here is what I have so far:

Judgements of Gideon
*He is a liar. I can’t trust anything he says. – I lie to him sometimes when I say, “I’ll come hang out with you in 1 minute” and then I don’ t because I really don’t want to hang out with him at all.
He is a weenie, he cries over every little thing.
*He freaks out about little stuff, and he shouldn’t. – I freak out when my kids fight. some might say that’s a little thing.
*He doesn’t care about anything I say. – I don’t care about anything he says because it’s all just lies.
*He is a jerk. – when he’s misbehaving and I discipline he thinks I’m a jerk, and maybe I am.
*He is disrespectful. – I yell at him, that is disrespectful. I interrupt him (when he’s lying) that’s disrespectful)
*He’s irresponsible. – often I neglect responsibilities because I am buffering.
*He doesn’t listen to anything I say. – I don’t listen to him all the time because I know I’m probably being lied to.
He is a thief.
He doesn’t care about anyone but himself.
*I hate that he yells all the time. – I yell sometimes, which is way more often than I would like to.
*I hate that he has been given all these tools to control his anger, but he doesn’t use them. – I have coaching, but I don’t always utilize the tools
*I feel like I’m wasting my time taking him to counseling and O.T. – I waste my own time, too occasionally.
He’s never sorry for what he has done, only that he got caught.
He doesn’t listen when I’m trying to teach/discipline him. He just pretends to be listening so I’ll shut up.
He doesn’t care about any rules and will try to get away with anything he can.
I don’t like being around him because he doesn’t listen when I talk and everything he says is a lie.
*I don’t like how he treats his sisters. It makes me want to keep him in his room forever so he can’t keep hurting them. – I yell at them sometimes too, so I don’t really like how I treat them, either.
Manual for Gideon
I want him to get up on time. I want him to do his routine without being asked, including brushing his teeth. He should never say he can’t find any clean clothes. He should always fold his clothes when he sees them waiting in a pile for him. He shouldn’t complain about helping. He should have a well-organized room, putting each thing away after he is finished with it. He would only have 2 hours of electronics per day. he wouldn’t be dishonest in any way, including sneaking, stealing or lying. He would talk with a quiet voice and always use nice words. He would share and never demand someone give something to him. He would be patient with his sisters. He would say sorry when needed because he means it, not because I told him to or he thinks it will get him out of trouble. He would ask before using anything that didn’t belong to him.
What do I think I will feel?
I think I would like to be around him more. I would think I was listened to and respected. I would feel proud of him and his decisions. I would think I did a good job teaching him. I guess I would feel successful, loved, respected, and proud of him and myself.
Allow him to be who he is:
Gideon talks loudly, sometimes really loudly. He tells a lot of stories. He talks about tv and movies a lot. He talks about Goosebumps a lot. He gets mad when someone contradicts him. He doesn’t like to share half the time. He makes an excuse for everything he thinks or knows he shouldn’t be doing. They are almost always lies. Sometimes when I am in my room, I hear them playing nicely. The time when he is the nicest is when he is watching TV. He yells a lot and tries to be in control of everyone else.
What do you think he is thinking that is driving his actions? (I must say I’m a little confused by this question. I thought that we were supposed to stay out of other people’s models.)
I imagine he is used to being the one calling the shots because he is the oldest. I think a lot of the time he is just following my example of how to get people to stop or start doing something by yelling at them. I think he lies because he likes things to sound exciting like movies and he doesn’t want to get in trouble, but he wants what he wants when he wants it. I guess he doesn’t share because it’s his and he wants it.
Do I love him unconditionally?
I think I do. If I didn’t love him none of this would matter, would it? I want to want to be around my son. I want to want to spend time with him. I want to want to talk with him. But I don’t want to be lied to and I don’t think that’s wrong. So I love him all the time, but sometimes I also feel angry, discouraged, disrespected, etc.
How do you show up? Do you show up knowing that your lovability is 100%? Do you try to get them to love you more for your sake? How? Does it work? why or why not?
I show up angry or defeated. sometimes I just hide in my room and don’t show up at all. Intellectually, I know I am 100% loveable and that he is too. I want him to be kind for everyone’s sake. I know he’s not happy, I’m not happy, his sisters aren’t happy when he is not being nice. Nothing I have tried has worked. rewards, punishment, talking it out, reasoning, he doesn’t seem to care.
The next questions are who do I want to be in this relationship? And how do I want to think about me, him and us?
Honestly I’ve done this all in one day and I’m getting tired and it’s getting harder and now my kids are home from school. Obviously I am having a lot of issues here and I would like help working through all of this.
Here’s one specific question:
How can I have a relationship with someone who lies all the time?