Relationship with son


Hi there! I want to have a better relationship with my 14-year-old son. He is a smart, kind, and brave young man. He is a natural leader, and despite the details below, has such a good heart. I love him dearly. Some thoughts I have about our current relationship include: We have a difficult relationship. We don’t get along. This is such a painful relationship. I need to figure out how to be a better mother to him.

I understand that these are thoughts, and I choose my thoughts. I can change them. So, I don’t want to go all the way to- We have an amazing relationship! Because that feels false to me. I can ladder up to- We have some good days and some bad days… maybe. The “good” days are few and far between. (I define good as- we didn’t argue and maybe had a civil conversation. These days are rare.) But- here is my problem… I want to actually have a good relationship with him. I don’t want to just change my thoughts and pretend it’s something it’s not. So how do I do that? It must begin with my thoughts I assume…

Some examples of things we struggle with- 1- I ask him to do anything- his homework, clean his room, brush his teeth, take his hate off at the table, etc…. It is almost always is met with resistance/defiance and that leads to arguments. 2- He is often caught in lies so his father and I find it difficult to trust him. He wants to go places and do things that are inappropriate for a 14-year-old at his maturity level, especially one who isn’t honest with his parents. When he’s not given these privileges, he’s furious and lashes out with more resistance to daily tasks and lots of unkind words, etc. 3- Basically any request that is made of him and/or any denial of something he wants is met with total disrespect, defiance, and argument.

He’s asked me multiple times if I could just not talk to him, not parent him, and stay out of his life. (Which I feel I am barely a part of!) I try to ask as little of him as possible. This leaves us barely communicating as I’m constantly trying to keep the peace it seems. I want him to have a fun, great life. I want all his dreams to come true. He wants nothing to do with me, and that is painful to me. My main feeling right now is sadness. I would really like to not feel this way.

I want to have a healthy (not meaning perfect) parent/child relationship. I know that I need to change something.
For what it’s worth- My parents say his personality and behaviors are a lot like mine were as a teen. Looking at him- I can see that we are a lot alike. We both have rebellious natures and want to be wild and free. We are both extremely independent and don’t like to be told what to do. We are both leaders and are accepting and loving of others.

How do I use the model in this scenario? Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you in advance!

Circumstances-
Thoughts-
Feeling-
Action-
Result- healthy parent/child relationship w/ son