Hi, I am navigating my thoughts and feelings around the separation from my husband, we were married for ten years. It was my choice, he doesnt want to be separated. I separated in a measured and calm way after much thought work (following BC from the podcast). I dont want to be married to him anymore. There are things that I want in a marriage/life partner that I know I will never have from him, he is unwilling or unable to give them and we have tried. Over all I feel amazing:
T: Now I can do the things I want to do
F: Excited (bright sparkly yellow orange)
A: enrol in SCS, re-do my budget, change my room around
R: move forward in my life
(Did I do that model right?)
However, now he is being very attentive and speaking to me and addressing the things that I had issues with in the marriage. We have been separated once before and he did this exact thing, so we got back together and tried again.
I want to back myself in my decision, because I thought about it promised myself that if I chose this I would need to see it through the whole way, I dont want to yoyo in and out. Now Im feeling guilty because maybe I should try harder. But then I have such a dialogue in my head back and forth.
I know that my thoughts create my feelings, but I cant seem to shake that it feels so cold to me to just ignore him, like I’m being a bitch. I’m a little afraid to move on or to shut down his “niceness” because he might be nasty to me and he’ll say that I hate him and I dont value our relationship. I dont want to compromise the kids in any way. I dont want him to use them against me. My model here is
C: Ex husband asking me to reconsider
T: Maybe I should go back to him because he loves me and that shouldnt be wasted and he’s the father of my kids, maybe I was wrong about him
F: Deflated (grey dense thick sludge)
A: Consider and think through all the reasons, try to explain to him
R: Talk for a long time with him and agree to doing things I dont really want to do but think I should (like meet up to explain (again) why I dont want to be married anymore)
Even as I write this I can see its pathetic and if I’m honest, I dont want to go back. But, wanting to leave because I want different things in that relationship doesnt feel like this is a good enough reason to leave! And I’m a very loyal person, and does being loyal mean just staying and staying and staying?? I know intellectually that I dont need a better reason. And I’m happy enough with my reason to leave. Maybe its because I also want other people to be happy with my reason too? I want him to
My question is: What would be a good next step to take with myself? And, could you please check my models.
Thank you so much 🙂