Repetitive negative thoughts…

I’ve asked questions around this same topic because my ex husband has free rent in my head it seems… I need to kick him out. I do models to get relief but I really want to get this under control once and for all because I want to take your certification course in April and I know the only way I can be a good coach is if I walk the walk and talk the talk. I can get really good at being strict with my mind and then go on a bender with negative dramatic thoughts… like I am an alcoholic and the drama and anger are my booze. I hate it and then I hate myself for doing it and my kids suffer.

My ex husband is extremely challenging to deal with for me and many people but now apparently things are easy breezy with his new much younger, model girlfriend. It makes me wonder if things could have worked out with us if I had been prettier. I think he would have been nicer to me if I had looked like her, partly because I would have had the confidence looking like her affords. He told me I was ugly and too ugly to stay married to and he was too handsome (he truly looks like a movie star) to be with someone so old and ugly. At one point, I actually forgave him and took the responsibility myself because I was the one telling myself in my head that I was too ugly to be married to… so he was mirroring my thoughts back to me.

I did that for a while but then I decided that even if I did think those things to myself, it was still cruel for a person who supposedly loved me to be so mean and cruel and say those things to me all the time. He said he got cruel to force me to leave him since he wouldn’t leave himself…. he wanted to blame me for leaving. I find it very hard for me to feel ok about my kids spending time with a man who is so constantly vicious to me… and his girlfriend is stunningly beautiful and she posts all these happy pictures of herself declaring her love to my ex AND my kids on her modeling instagram page for all the world to see.

It feels so mean and I know I shouldn’t look – I usually have her blocked but sometimes I peek. I peek because I tell myself I want to practice being ok with her gorgeous bikini pictures she posts nearly every day – but maybe I do it to torture myself. I wish they would just disappear… I am so much happier when they are far away and not in my life. I recently tried to bribe myself to stop this hamster on a wheel… I try and bump up against the fender at the top of the San Francisco Hill (Abraham Hicks) and can do it sometimes but then sometimes it feels like a runaway train.

The holidays are coming up and my kids are going with them for longer than I gave permission for so this is all feeling very BIG right now. I am going to be all alone without my kids for the longest time ever and they are going to be playing happy family for 5.5 weeks at the beach in UY….

I need to get off this train but can’t seem to do it 🙁 You say to love someone, even when they are mean to you. How can I love him? And I tried to love him for years while we were together and it wasn’t enough…. he got meaner and my love went away… I felt only fear… I lived my life walking on eggshells and now this new chick gets a zen version of him? None of this feels fair and I am always the victim… I get that … and I don’t want to be a victim anymore.