reply 2 on "i’m getting better at this"


I just got coached on the matter that I can’t process the emotion whenever I don’t feel how I want to feel when we have big things coming up. for example:
BF writes something sweet and I don’t feel how I want to feel meaning happy that he wrote me, love, thinking that he’s special. like the feelings you have when you are with the person you love. and it really happens fast. because I notice the lack of emotion and than I like judge myself for it because I WANT to feel different. and than I try to resist the urge to think the thought that something is wrong.
and so I still have the thought but I try not to react on it. and let me tell you its so exhausting.

the reason why I don’t want to react to it is because if I do I would feel that he’s not the one, because of the lack of emotion I don’t feel conneted to him.
and so I ofter try to overplay it with new thoughts or hide it.

the other thing is that it scares me to live with that for the rest of my life.
I mean its like I’m settling for less happiness and less love for a person. <
I don’t know how to tell the story better. I just get really sad because I want to really believe that he’s the love of my life. but the lack of emotion don’t allow it. or yea, my thoughts about the lack of emotion.

and please don’t tell me that there is no right or wrong how a relationship should be or that its 50% 50%
because I think the basis should like be there that you are convinced that he’s the one based on how you feel with him.
I just can’t come up with a story that will make this better. its like Im imagine my life being horrible or just average with that lack of emotion.

thanks so much for your help!