reply strange place

Yea I know I can.
But it’s like it just comes to me. Like I don’t have any choice. It’s stronger than me.
It’s like its already automatically happen.
Someone says something about my bf or that makes me think of my bf
And then I automatically think of him as like a friend. Or a little bit more.
Just not enough to be my significant other.

But I know that’s just a fake story because when I thought I didn’t love me anymore it’s like came back to earth and knew that I had so much love for him. And he became this big person, who I had so much love and respect for. And I couldn’t live without.
And the fake story broke in a thousand pieces.
And I saw him as this amazing man that I love and that I can’t be without. And I would be heartbroken if he would leave me.
And I could 100% say with love and pride that he is my Mr. Right.

And the fake story is more like yea, he is my “boyfriend” but I do not feel strongly about him like I want to.
He is light and far away.

So my question is how can I not dive into that “fake story?”
I live it like its the truth.
My first thoughts when I think of my bf are more like neutral, not strongly like I want them to be.

When I think of my boyfriend I want to think about this great man who I’m so lucky to be with. And tell everyone proudly about him.
When I do that now I can’t take it seriously because I still am in that story of how I see him.

Ist happening so fast and I stay in that story.
I guess I let myself be buried under that story and I would describe that situation that I don’t have enough strength to change the thought because it puts me down and I don’t see it as just a thought because its a feeling I have. It feels true. The feeling comes to me and then I just stay in that space, I go home, I act like its true.

How can i break the cycle?