I am fond of the title bookworm, ever since I was young, I loved reading and everywhere I went I always had my nose stuck in a book, I truly believe this is something that I genuinely love and enjoy even to this day. But I know that when I buffer, I have a tendency to turn to reading books, fanfiction, anything that will help me escape from the moment. I have identified this former habit and now am much more conscious of when the desire to escape comes that that is where I will automatically turn to.
Today during my thought downloads I surprised myself when I wrote the words:
” I hate myself, because of how I was never good enough, never did enough. I hate reading because it kept me away from succeeding or achieving my dreams, because I was always escaping instead of living. I hate to escape and read, that is why I always feel guilty before I begin to read because there I go lying to myself once again.”
When I go and read as an escape and as a buffer now, I do notice a guilty feeling because I am not honoring my word or keeping my commitment to myself, I am recognizing that and am practicing honoring my word.
But this deep resentment surprised me, I have voiced in the past that in school I always did just enough to pass and get by, which really was me doing 80% to finish and graduate and that is fine with me, but I do acknowledge that I never strove for better grades because I preferred reading. So I say, I could have done better in school, but I chose to read instead.
I read a quote once that said : I prefer adventures of the literary kind” and it struck me as the type of saying that I should have connected with, but I never really liked it and now I realize it is because for me that was true, I always chose imaginary adventures and relationships over real ones and now I feel as I grow and become aware of my thoughts and habits that every time I go to read Fanfiction again, that is exactly what I am choosing, a fake escape over real life.
I genuinely enjoy reading fanfiction! It is amazing to me the many different ways one story can be told and interpreted and some people write amazing stories! But now whenever I think about a story I read, or start to even read one, I now know that I am feeling resentment towards myself.
How can I continue to do what I once enjoyed if underlying it was resentment and hatred towards myself for doing it?
How can I separate the resentment and still enjoy it?
I would really appreciate help analyzing and helping clear away the story of my thoughts! Or any questions to ask myself and to consider!