I have been really short and grumpy with my husband recently. And off and on for years, if I’m honest. And I’m now realizing that I am choosing to feel a lot of resentment toward him that doesn’t actually make sense. But I also see myself continuing to choose to act this way, snapping at him, looking forward to him leaving the room, hoping he’ll stop talking. And then feeling guilty for not enjoying the time we have together on earth.
C: Husband has a work meeting today
T: I hate that I’m the default parent when the baby is sick
A: Seethe about husband’s meeting trumping my work.
R: Don’t enjoy time with baby, dread interaction with husband
C: Husband says he isn’t that interested in skiing, climbing, hiking, surfing.
T: I wish we incorporated outdoor activities into our lives like I did before kids
A: Resentful thought loops
R: Fester in my brain and stay at home instead of figuring out how to outdoor activities.
T: I don’t want to be around him; I need alone time
A: Think about feeling trapped
R: Spend time seething instead of addressing issues or taking time for self.
I don’t even know what my question is, because I see how I’m creating my own grump truck negative experience. I guess I could use help in the why. Though, I probably know the answer to that, too: Blaming someone else feels easier than taking action.
I’m feeling rage and resentment as a full body experience that makes me think I’ll never get out of it. But maybe I need to feel these feelings before I can get to work creating the life I say I want.