Hi there,

I’m finding that the more work I do on myself, the more I resent my husband.

I’ve successfully dropped so many of my manuals for the people in my life and this has resulted in such mental and emotional freedom! I’m meeting my own needs, creating my own feelings, and making great strides in some of the areas in my life. My husband still speaks frequently of how he needs me to meet his emotional needs (and that he gets his emotional energy from me) and how he feels like I don’t need him anymore. I’ve told him that I *want* him and isn’t that so much better? He doesn’t really have a response for this and the conversation stalls. I know that I would rather be wanted than needed.

As much as I’d love for him to do this work and experience self-reliance, I know I can’t change him. (I still want to, though.)

Here’s the model that I’m working with right now:

C: Husband says he needs me to meet his emotional needs
T: He should be able to meet his own emotional needs
F: Resentment
A: (–?)

The A and R lines are where I struggle. I don’t think my actions differ from the actions taken before I started doing this work. Actually, I think I make more of an effort to show him how much I love him (words of affirmation, etc) but it’s like those actions are sincere AND from resentment. I DO love him and appreciate him and want to show him that but at the same time, I resent the fact that he is relying on that for his emotional well-being. It seems so contradictory.