While doing this work Im having such a hard time. I just moved in with my boyfriend and he is a great guy. I have a huge manual for him and for every relationship in my life Ive noticed but mostly for my boyfriend. I think moving in together magnified that. Im filled with anxiety and a little depression so I decided to dive head first into your podcast and self coaching scholars. Im glad this months was about relationships. I need it. Im trying to use the model as much as I can but I’m experiencing SO MUCH RESISTANCE. Example: My boyfriend and I have Saturday and Sunday off together. We went out last night with his friends. My dad is coming into town tonight and I need to go pick him up from the airport. My boyfriend said he doesn’t want to go with me.
(My thoughts were: Thats selfish, we just went out with your friends. Do you not like spending time with me? This has been a trend where he does what he wants but doesn’t compromise very well. Will I always have to beg him to do things with me, and yes I know he should live just as he wants to and I should just as I want to but I want us to also feel like we are together, he buffers so much I’m worried he won’t be present with me…… so on and so on.) I spin out and immediately want to cry. Its exhausting. Im trying to use the model to change how I feel. but my brain is trying to tell me all those shitty peanut thoughts are true, I need to believe them, and I need to leave. And I just keep thinking how hard this is. And I just keep focusing on what my boyfriend is not doing. Im tired and I need tips on how to be compassionate with myself, and how to keep going, and how to handle the relationship in the interim because as of now Im tired and it just feels like I should be alone. I know my thinking is wrong so I don’t tell him that my feelings are hurt and it all just feels really lonely. The resistance is a bitch.