Hi, wanted to get some feedback on my thinking here.
I think what I am most disturbed by right now is how I feel. I feel a lot of doubt, fear, insecurity, anxiety. It feels tight in my chest and shoulders and neck. It feels tight in my head, in my temples. I am noticing how much I do not want to feel like this. I have been buffering a lot. I wake up in the middle of the night and then I go for a drive and listen to podcasts. I think I think I can escape feeling. The idea of sitting with it seems intolerable to my brain. I am resisting feeling all of my negative emotions and so they are just getting worse. I am not really able to change my thoughts, probably because I am resisting feeling. I am not wanting to look at what’s in my mind and in my body. Sometimes I can see that it’s because of my thoughts and not because of my decision to move or anything to do with my boyfriend.
And maybe I am supposed to be feeling this way right now. I know you all have said nothing is going wrong. I didn’t really believe it. But I am seeing how many shenanigans I am doing to try to get away from my feelings. And maybe this is just part of my experience of growing into someone who is in a committed relationship. Maybe it’s okay to be feeling like this. Maybe it’s okay to be feeling like I am dying. Maybe I am shedding the identity I had of someone who is afraid to commit. I notice I am wanting to make it mean maybe I shouldn’t move or maybe it means something more. I am concerned that once I move in I will continue to feel all of these negative emotions and I won’t be able to handle it. I think about starting a business and can see I would feel probably the same way, like I’m dying.
It is such a confusing experience to on the one hand have all of these catastrophizing ruminating negative thoughts and then in other moments feel present and connected and loving.