I realized I have a lot of messy thinking around what it means to be responsible. I realized that by default I was making it mean whatever the people important to me thought it meant, instead of coming from a place of power and my values. Because of that, I would feel powerless whenever I was telling myself to be “responsible.”

Are there any resources on responsibility in the study vault?

I did a deep dive on definitions of responsibility, and came up with trustworthy and reliable. I want to rely on myself, and decide ahead of time what I want to rely on myself for.

However, I do think I have some responsibility in my marriage. Especially around the money I make. I don’t think this is every something we decided on purpose–they’re more just expectations my husband and I have of each other and ourselves that came about by default/unconsciously. When I get caught up in people pleasing my husband, I spin out, and stop making decisions from a place of power. But I do want my husband to be able to rely on me for certain things, and I think he can rely on me for lots of things: acceptance, love, compassion, honesty, staying organized, helping out with the day to day stuff of running our household. But I haven’t been reliable when it comes to money: making, spending, saving. That’s been up and down for me in the three years we’ve been married. I’d like to change that. But when I think about “being responsible” to my husband, I don’t feel good inside about it. It feels like expectations and pressure and shame.

I don’t want to disappoint him, but when I focus on that I end up disappointing myself.