Rewriting my Past – Depression

I want to re-write my past re: spending the past 10 years clinically depressed.

The examples Brooke seemed to offer in the video I watched on this module were once someone “got through” their hardship and finds the positive in their outcome. I still struggle with depression, but I don’t want to carry forward a victim mentality of “I’m someone who has been depressed for x number of years, and my life is terrible in all these ways because of it, and it’s cyclic, etc”. But, I don’t YET have the outcome – freedom from depression, a partner, a business, financial security, etc. The Cinderella example centered on her having a happy ending and getting married, and Brooke’s personal example was about finding her partner, learning she can create her own security through value she offers, employees and people she met along the way, skills acquired in her corporate job.

What have I learned from my depression? The only thing I can think of is that I have a tremendous capacity for pain. I don’t like this. It enabled me to STAY depressed because I couldn’t draw a boundary for myself sooner. How has it shaped me? It’s made me sad, not resilient. I cry so easily just thinking about it. What’s the positive? Uh…I don’t see any positives. Hardship that was fruitless, that I still struggle with, and that is embarrassing to me as a human.

I want to change the way I view my past because currently, I just mourn it, and I cry just thinking of how much time I’ve spent alone and immobilized and suffering. I don’t see good in it. I think I was a compassionate person before my depression, and that people can have compassion for others without having to have had depression themselves. I really believe I have suffered. Most days for the past ten years, I prayed that I just wouldn’t wake up. I don’t think there was value in this experience, it seems like a total waste. Of everything. These are my current thoughts, I def see that they don’t serve me and don’t create the results I want.

C: Was (still am?) clinically depressed for 10 years.
T: Total waste, it’s shameful that i misused the opportunity of life the way I have, I am “Someone who” has been / is depressed (making it a part of my personal identity I carry forward, vs. just carrying forward the learnings from it), other people have overcome so much more, I’m so pathetic it’s embarrassing
F: Disappointed, ashamed, regretful, de-motivated
A: Buffer, self pity, repeat negative thinking tracks in my head
R: Depressed, victim, don’t want to talk about it to others, don’t go after my goals, don’t enjoy the experience of being alive, wish I wasn’t here
(I know I cheated, only supposed to examine one thought/ feeling per model)

I would love tips/ questions I can ask myself on how to re-frame / find the good of my past, while I’m still sort of in it / haven’t yielded any positive results from it yet? Possibly more centered on the content re: Re-writing my Past vs. an intentional model? But open to anything 🙂

Thank you kindly.