Rewriting my past story


I flip in and out of feeling empowered by rewriting the story of my past. I see the logic and can experience a good feeling when I choose the below model:
C: my mom and oldest siblings made ultimatums for apologies to continue connection/trust with us 3 youngest daughters
T: They don’t understand or accept their part in the problem
F: acceptance
A: let it go, refuse to continue to readdress and continue the fighting, maintain compassion and love for all, tell myself we all did our best, we all had our part in the division of our family and stop self blame, self doubt, self hate, stop trying to fix
R: love myself and my life more
However I keep flipping to this UM:
C: same
T: maybe they are right and we are the cause of all these years of pain
F : shame
A: spin in looking for evidence to prove I did things wrong, I am a bad daughter, etc
R: Give up on myself and my goals
I am observing how I like to gravitate toward being the victim. There is something safe and appealing because it is what I know best from years of practice. This was the family Credo growing up in the Catholic church. I realize only I can change my thoughts and when I do the pain eases. My family tells me I have destruction and now go off on my merry “ whoo whoo way.” I can see their point. I have said to each of them: forgive me, I forgive you, thank you, I love you. I guess I was hoping that would help. Instead I am called The Dali Lama. I guess that’s ok. I think I am lucky I found SCS. If you have any thoughts it is always with gratitude that I look forward to your responses. Thank you!