River of misery in dating


Hi ! I am in the early stages of dating a guy that is on many levels the kind of partner that I was looking for. He is loving, affectionate, expresses desire to build a relationship with me. Before getting into Scholars and learning the mind management tools, I was choosing my partners based on my level of attraction and infatuation – it didn’t create the long-term results that I wanted, but it felt “so easy” to fall in love with them. When it comes to the person I am dating right now, I chose to explore the relationship because I’ve felt a long-term compatibility and a loving-kindness that I find attractive. But it feels “hard” to fall in love with him, in the sense that it requires a lot of self-coaching to get to the place where I feel love or even physical attraction towards him. Obviously, there is nothing wrong with him but I don’t like the person I am around him. I feel super critical, I get annoyed easily, I am constantly looking for reasons to reject him. There is no “butterflies” in my stomach when I think of him and I miss that part of a relationship, even though I now know that it’s not happening outside of my brain.

So I wonder, is it worth it ? Shouldn’t I be looking for a partner who is compatible AND “easy” to love ? The reason why I am staying in the relationship (for now) is because this experience allows me to really understand how love is “created”, it’s a practice of allowance, generosity and, well, love, not the romantic kind but the unconditionnal kind. But I am failing at this consistently. He says I am the girl of his dreams but I feel like I don’t deserve his love because I can’t reciprocate in the way he does. Here are my models.

UN
C : David says “you are the perfect girlfriend”
T : I can’t reciprocate so I don’t deserve his love
F : inadequate
A : thinking about breaking up with him, being super critical, finding reasons to reject him, judging myself for being so picky and judgemental
R : I am rejecting his love and not loving myself

IN
C : David says “you are the perfect girlfriend”
T : you’re damn right, I am
F : awesome
A : kissing him, being playful and tender with him, wanting to do stuff with him
R : allowing his love and loving myself
___

UN
C : my attraction level to David is 5 on scale to 10
T : I want to be with someone who makes me feel at 10
F : entitled
A : believing that attraction happens outside of me, believing that it will be easier with someone else
R : not learning to create attraction and love

IN
C : my attraction level to David is 5 on a scale to 10
T : I am learning how to create attraction and love
F : open and curious
A : giving myself time, allowing my thoughts and judgements without judging them, getting to know him and building a relationship based on mutual respect and friendship and not hormones
R : my attraction level to David becomes 6 on a scale to 10

___

UN
C : process of “learning how to love”
T : this is taking too long
F : frustrated
A : thinking that if it takes so long, that I shouldn’t be with him, thinking about breaking up with him, believing that with other men it would be easier
R : not creating love

IN
C : process of “learning how to love”
T : This might be worth it
F : committed
A : not making any decisions before I get myself to a better place (more loving, more allowing) and deciding from there whether or not I want to be with this guy
R : giving myself time to learn how to love