I think I finally defined my own “rock bottom” this weekend. It was nothing dramatic. No big tragedy or mistake or even embarrassing moment. I simply woke up after a night of drinking had a realization.
The realization hit me like a ton of bricks: I’ve been gaming the system. I have been using drink plans as another way to “earn gold stars” and not make a real decision on my drinking. In a weird way, I’ve been using the program itself as a way to procrastinate and buffer. I’ve been using my drink plans as something to “look forward to” at the end of the day. I know that’s not fixing the issue of living for eating and drinking, for having that be the highlight of my life instead of going out there and creating a life that’s way better than any food or alcohol could ever be. I feel like the drink plans are actually reinforcing all of that.
Even when I practice allowed urges while on a 2-glass drink plan, I’m collecting them like points in a game. A game that I don’t even want to be playing. I KNOW I don’t want to be drinking. So my question is, if the key to quitting drinking and overeating is to learn how to allow the urges and to NOT answer them, can’t I do that now without having to make exceptions and drink plans? If I take out those buffers and I replace them with thought work and other ways to improve my life (so alcohol and food aren’t what make my life “fun”), isn’t THAT the real work that needs to be done?
In the past I’ve “gone cold turkey” and resisted and white-knuckled my way through it. Please know that, that is *not* what I’m referring to here. I would compare last weekend’s realization to receiving a health diagnosis or some other big “ah-ha” moment – a compelling reason that feels super strong.
Last week, I asked about Basement Guy on Tuesdays (from the Stop Overeating videos) in relation to the Stop Overdrinking program because I think subconsciously I already knew that this is what I was doing by keeping alcohol in my life in ANY capacity. It’s keeping “him” in my life. It’s not allowing me to move on. I feel like it’s time to tell Basement Guy that I can’t have any kind of relationship with him, casual friendship or otherwise, because it hurts my heart too much and won’t allow me to properly heal and move on. Maybe it’s time I tell wine, “It’s not you. It’s me. And no, we can’t still be friends.” Time for a clean break. Deal with the heart ache, the tears, the urges to call/text/email/drive by his house. Resist those urges (so as not to give in to them) but allow for the feelings that come with them so I can feel all the feels, learn, grow and MOVE ON!
Is this possible? Can I break up with bubbly!? Can I put in the mental and emotional work to heal from this breakup and come out the other side a better person and a more confident, accomplished woman? Oh man… This scares the shit out of me. Usually when stuff scares me or makes me feel this convicted, it’s the “right thing to do” (translation: the absolute suckiest, hardest thing to do… but worth it in the end).
I guess in a weird way I need you to tell me that this is also a possible path to freedom from desire for alcohol. That drink plans aren’t the only way to go.