This is my untintentional model:
T: There is a limit to what I can feel toward my husband.
A: ruminate, do the “Relationship” exercises reluctantly, not propose things to my husband (such as sitting on the sofa and talking), ruminate about not making progress in my relationship, talk irritatedly with my husband, don’t answer when he asks why I’m irritated
R: disconnection with my husband which is the opposite of what I really want
I’m answering the questions from your previous answer:
“How might you think about your husband, exactly as he is, that would create the feelings you most want to experience toward him?”
T: He is the perfect partner for me now.
T: We are in an adventure together.
T: We have much in common.
T: He is there for me.
But my brain is telling me, “This isn’t romantic enough! You should be able to think: “We are meant to be together,” or, “He is the one for me”, or, “We are super close”, or “I don’t want to be with any other man”.”
I remember that I was very afraid to die when I was with a previous partner because that would have meant that I wouldn’t be with him anymore. Now, I don’t really care to be separated from my husband. Sometimes I wish we were separated.
I guess my brain doesn’t validate my thoughts. It thinks this isn’t good enough. This isn’t passionate enough. For me, passion is quite extreme. It’s all-or-nothing so I will always lose at this game and I will never be happy in this relationship if I go on like that.
“How might your brain open up to possibility if you decided to believe that it was easy to create romantic feelings for your husband?”
I feel a lot of resistance. My brain is telling me: “He is not an artist. I’ve always wanted to be with an artist. This can’t really be romantic with a computer scientist.”
It also resists by telling me: “He is not very funny. We don’t laugh a lot. We are not very close. It’s surely not easy. I’ve been trying for months and I’ve spent all this money on 2 coaching programs. If it were easy, I would already be doing it. This is so annoying to be stuck the way I am.”
I find it super hard to let go of my thoughts about this relationship. It is so difficult that I wonder if I will ever make progress. I know… this is not a very useful thought. I feel like I’m making a lot of efforts in vain, like pushing a rock up a mountain, and it falls down the minute after I get some better results.
Am I missing something?
Thank you so much for your precious help!