I hate my husband. I want to tell him to go rot in hell. I’m not going to harm him. But I have the thought about what a F-ing A-hole he is a lot. I feel as if I should love him, but I do not feel loving toward him. I feel angry. I feel as if he is super difficult and dragging me through court draining all my $, influencing my daughters negatively. I’m supposed to act nice to him to either fulfill being a good person or to get him to be less mean. This feels either like I am being more vulnerable than I should in the situation or that I am being manipulative – trying to get him to be different. I spent two months this summer being kind and loving to him, showing up how I would want to with my husband. He ignored it and did not reciprocate. I can’t see a way out of this, since we have young children. He told me how horrible his family was for over a decade, now he’s become one of them. I can’t get away from him, more importantly, I can’t get my girls away from him. (have been trying in custody battle, but unless he breaks the law it doesn’t look like it will happen. Just being a liar, a mean person, or not showing up for your kids before, is not a reason to not grant someone custody – at least a man.)

I just think this is F-ing BS, but there is nothing I can do about it.
I feel as if I am stuck in this negative place, and it doesn’t even seem right to do something else.
These are the models I’ve come up with.

Model:
C: divorce from husband who had affair, lied, took minimal days off to be with the kids
T: He is an –hole. I can’t stand him.
F: angry,
A: imagine myself telling him to rot in h—. Imagine telling him what a jerk he is. Try to fight for more custody, but lying, not showing up before is not a reason to decrease custody. Feel frustrated/angry.
R: I can’t get away from these thoughts that I am having. I am being a jerk? I’m still feeling angry

C: same
T: I want to get away from him.
F: trapped
A: try to get more custody, but don’t know what constitutes a reason for decreased custody.
R: I’m trapping myself in the custody battle

If I want Result of my husband leaving the girls with me, him going away, how do I do that? Or is that not possible because it is external to me? It is a C that I want… a wish? Not within my control.

I’m guessing you might recommend that I can feel any way I want about my husband. This makes me think I should feel loving. However I’ve been loving the cheater for a while and I want to stop doing that. It feels not good/safe for me and too vulnerable. If he were my child or my patient then I could see loving him from that sort of place, but he is a mean adversary right now. I have tried to contact him to suggest mediation or other options, but he refuses to respond, he likes having people to complain to and I’m now spending tens of thousands of $ on an argument with him. Seems ridiculous to me. Never been in such a situation and do not know how to get out of it and away from him.

Maybe you will say I am not getting away from him in my mind? I’m trying to imagine the coaching I would get and not sure I’m on the right track. My emotions are pretty strong, but not continuous. Any help appreciated. Thank you.