Rude listening:

Hello, in need of some coaching on a long distance partner’s comment.

Background, I stopped what I was doing this morning in order to give him a wake up call then he starts talking about his topic, so I stopped my task in order to be present and hold space for him.

Partner was talking about shopping too much online and didn’t understand why he was buying unnecessary items. I was listening and saying “um uh” several times (which is how I listen actively). He says, “well that was rude.” I asked why he thought it was rude and he said that he felt judged.

I further asked, “How would you want me to response/listen?” And he said that was rude also. I am basically trying to understand him, but I feel like he’s transferring all of his insecurities on to me. Then he did his normal, “I don’t want to talk about this anymore and the topic is over.” I told him that wasn’t fair because we need to meet in the middle and that I would like to talk about it later and he was responsive to that.

Like how can someone listen rudely???

My main problem is that, I believe that he thinks that I cause his feelings which I now know that I do not. So it makes me feel that he’s blaming me for things that I can’t control and it’s not fair.

C- rude comment
T – is he serious right now? I can’t believe he said that. How are we supposed to process in this relationship when I keep getting blamed for something that I didn’t do
F – rejected
A – got off the phone with him so i could continue what i was doing
R – not feeling close to him

C – comment
T – He functions differently then I do and he doesn’t know the model
F – frustrated
A – get off the phone with him
R – not feeling close to him

(I’m not 100% sold on this next model)
C – comment
T – He’s dealing with something right now and using retail therapy to feel better
F – compassionate toward him
A – wanting to help him and listen to more of what is going on with him
R – having a closer relationship

R – Him not talking everything I say and making me out to be the bad guy
***But I know that I can’t control this, so I’ll stop here***

I need a thought that will make me feel “loved” by him although he just called my comment rude.