Safety


I’d like some help understanding where “safety” might go in a model.
C: Husband said, “I want to move into (address line of house purchased). ”
T: I don’t feel safe in that neighborhood and don’t want to move there.
F: Conflicted
A: Thought spin and try to figure out if the reasons I’m feeling unsafe in the neighborhood are valid. Go back and forth between feeling justified and feeling guilty about thinking the neighborhood is unsafe. Call myself names like, “spoiled” “picky” and “difficult.” When I go over to the house I am on the lookout and try to keep track of why the environment is safe or unsafe. Compare the new neighborhood to our current neighborhood. I “try” to give the positives and negatives of the new neighborhood equal air-time, but still come to the conclusion that it doesn’t feel as safe as I’d want it to. Worry about the conflict this is creating in my relationship with my husband. Worry he’ll resent me because I don’t want to move into this house that he wants to.
R: We don’t move but now I don’t feel “safe” in my relationship with my husband. (I’m not sure if this is the R line, but I’m taking a guess that this is how it will play out)

The problem for me happens when I start to decide whether feeling safe is a fact or part of a story I’m telling myself about the neighborhood. If I were presenting a case to a court then I could give them all sorts of evidence for why the neighborhood is unsafe. When I think about the reasons it’s unsafe I think these are facts and a circumstance and everyone would agree on why the neighborhood is unsafe. But… I can see that it must be a thought because my husband has a different idea of the reasons I think the neighborhood is unsafe. He doesn’t think it’s an unsafe neighborhood and the things I’m worried about don’t make him feel unsafe. So it must be a thought? It’s a fact that “I don’t feel safe.”

So if I create a model with my C as…
C: “I don’t feel safe in X neighborhood.”
T: I shouldn’t see the neighborhood that way (so that my husband and I are on the same page).
F: Ashamed
A: Try to convince myself my reasons for feeling unsafe in the neighborhood are invalid, not something to worry about, try to brush them off and ignore these things in the neighborhood that make me nervous. Apologize to husband for creating drama and being difficult. Spend time thinking with obligation in mind. I feel obligated to move to unsafe neighborhood because my husband thinks it’s a good idea. I feel obligated to change my thoughts about the neighborhood.
R: I’m trying to avoid my husband resenting me but I’m building resentment with myself by not honoring my feelings and if we move in there I might resent him (??? – not sure if this is the R line).

I so appreciate your time and dedication to the “Ask a Coach” section of Scholars! Thank you in advance for your input on these models.