I think I have come to the conclusion that I am afraid of being angry. I know that part of it is that anger is “uncomfortable”- but it has got to be more than that because I am willing to feel discomfort all day every day when I understand the purpose for it. But for some reason, anger is different; like I must avoid it at all costs.
I guess I am afraid of what I will do if I allow myself to be angry- I am afraid I will not be able to stop myself from yelling- particularly at an inappropriate time.
I was listening to a coaching call where the person basically said they were afraid they would “lose control” if they felt anger… relating this to myself, I realized I DO lose control NOT allowing myself to feel anger, because I end up eating when I don’t want to… or sulking… basically buffering.
I guess this leads me to observe that if I don’t allow myself to feel anger, I find myself losing control with * myself * but I am afraid if I actually allow myself to feel anger, I am going to lose control with * someone else. * I would HATE to do that. I mean HATE it…. And in fact… I have done this in my life. Twice. (Never physical. Verbal only) I held in my anger too long and on two occasions just totally ended up screaming at someone at a VERY bad time. Something NO ONE who knows me would even believe. I am almost always calm, quiet, in control, and the voice of reason. And, my anger is my business. It shouldn’t be made to be someone else’s.
I guess the truth is I just don’t know how to feel my anger. Any advice, tips, or resources for how to specifically sit with a feeling that is not just uncomfortable in and of itself, but also feels scary?