Seeing Boundaries with children

I do like the model and it works. But at times, I think if we place all responsibility on the other person for how they feel, it just gets a bit cold.

For example, if I tell a friend or my husband “I think you are absolutely stupid. You smell really bad and you are fat and just ugly.”

Of course this would not affect them if they did not believe me. My words would only affect them if they thought something that would give them feelings of hurt, etc. If they did feel hurt or just didn’t like my negative words and say to me ” I don’t like what you said, do not talk to me that way,” I could just not care and tell them ” well, I am not hurting you, you are creating your own hurt by the way you think.”

My point is that they probably would not want to hang out with me even though they didn’t believe my words.

My point is, if someone did tell me that I hurt their feelings and told me why, I could feel emphatic to the other and see in myself what I could have done differently. I wouldn’t just say “your thoughts and feelings are your responsibility.”

As humans, don’t we have a responsibility to learn how to be empathetic and kind to one another?

I wouldn’t teach my child that his words of choice does not matter because whatever he says plays no role in how another person is thinking and feeling.

So can you help me find clarity in this?