Seeing Circumstances as Neutral


I want help learning to see my circumstance as neutral. My Circumstance is that I have a child who has special needs and is very impulsive. Small problems often produce big responses. He’ll do things like throw things at me, yell “fuck you” to my face, hit walls, throw chairs…..I think you get it. I think I am stuck because I don’t see this as neutral. I understand that as a C it is neutral but…I just can’t get there myself.

I want to figure out ahead of time how I want to feel in these moments. They will be part of my life and I am also struggling at how to feel my feelings all the way through. Maybe I am expecting too much from myself in the moment?? Help me see when I am supposed to feel all these feelings : ) If I were to run a model on the initial response I have in these moments. I experience them as involuntary as if somebody was throwing a glass of water in your face. This makes it hard to decide ahead of time what I want to feel.

C: Levi threw bench against the wall and it dented the wall.
T: I need to get everybody safe and calmed down
F: scared (or shock?)
A: I go into survival mode; try to get everybody safe and get Levi to a place where he can’t hurt anything or anybody, i try to control myself from responding from anger
R: I get everybody safe, Levi is calm, but I am not (see model below, I then start to feel pissed)

C: Levi threw the bench against the wall and dented it
T: Ahhhhh! Erg!!!! I hate that he does this.
F: pissed
A: I think about how angry I am, try to feel angry without responding, I yell or calmly say at him to get out of the room, I tell him he can’t be around us when he is acting like this, I try to breathe and think about feeling pissed and not responding from this place, i yell at my other kids
R: I hate this part of my life and hate this part of my son

many thanks!