As part of my work on victim advocacy, descriptions of violent situations (and sometimes pictures) are sent to me. I recently received details of a violent act of abuse that was particularly impactful to me. I would like help with processing this.
Model that was in line with my values and reasons for doing this work:
C: I receive a description and images of violent abuse.
T: I will do everything I can to bring justice for this victim and prevent future acts like this.
F: Determined
A: Do everything in my power to help the victim, reach out to contacts who are in a position to do something from a policy perspective, communicate with others involved in this work about what I’m doing so we can be collectively most effective.
R: I do everything I can personally do (that I can think of) to help the victim and prevent potential future victims.
Model which I am judging as disruptive to my peace of mind and my relationships:
C: I receive a description and images of violent abuse.
T: I can only imagine the amount of pain, cruelty, and suffering this victim had to endure.
F: Queasy
A: Think about how much pain the victim would have been in, when I try to spend time with loved ones, I think “what if it happened to them, how could someone do that”, etc., I obsess over what happened and every detail (every time I see any object or body part related to the abusive act, I start thinking about it all over again), watch Netflix with my husband but interrupt it 2-3 times saying I can’t stop thinking about what happened; when talking with my husband about it, I realize some additional actions I can take.
R: I continually imagine the amount of pain, cruelty, and suffering this victim may have endured according to my mind’s imagination (in other words, I don’t know for a fact their lived experience, but I keep projecting what I imagine it was).
On the second model, it appears to me it was at least somewhat productive since it helped me further process and realize other things I can do as an advocate. However, my husband was upset with me for bringing it up several times. Also, by focusing on it, I’ve found myself a little detached from others and sickened every time I see a specific body part that was part of the abuse. I guess my biggest question here is: How do I manage the very real pain (that I want to feel in reaction to an act of violence) without it consuming me or hurting my relationships?
