Had a private coaching yesterday and we talked about my shame. The i am not good enough mother, not good friend, basically not good enough everything or I am a bad person.
I can be overwhelmed with the shame and ended up crying and hiding curled up in bed which I did last night because I thought I am a terrible mum because 3 yr old son resisted going to bed and I was crying and was a bit rough changing him into pyjamas. And ate a full bag of popcorn.
Resisting the shame and wanting to change myself is like rejecting and not loving myself.
Talking to my mum last night she just basically said I have to change those thoughts. This is kind of old conversation with Mum, we talked about it a few times before, she just told me to change the thoughts, I am ruining my kids lives. And I felt worse, like I am a disappointment to my mum, so another extra shame.
Thinking I am learning to love myself. Or Hi shame, I see you, I feel you. My face gets hot and eyes starting to water as in the start of crying. Come along for the ride. Shame is part of me and I don’t have to change it. These thoughts feel lighter as in I can feel the shame but I am not overwhelmed by the shame. I have done a full day’s worth of work thinking this is shame, it is ok. I see you. And I am tired, I think from the crying last night and this morning but there is calmness
It is just weird to love the shameful part of myself