self-confidence and self-care vs performance

I realized in doing the first week of homework that all my self-confidence is linked to performance, to things that I’m naturally good at, things that people seem to like about me. I don’t really care about those things because I didn’t exert any effort in getting good at them.

What I have less confidence in is my ability to stay connected to myself. All my dares have been around not buffering with food, and I haven’t been able to follow through on a single dare. I can’t even think of any dares for things I want to do but am afraid of. All I want is to be able to be present, feel connected to my body, and feel all my emotions. I want that foundation in myself so bad. And instead I have achievements that me look confident and happy and it all just seems like a performance.

Unintentional thoughts that throw me off: I’m not overweight. I’m healthy. It’s neurotic to plan your food. It doesn’t matter. There is no reason to follow that arbitrary plan. I want this food now.

Intentional thoughts: It’s just an experiment to see what feelings come up when I follow a plan. I want to be able to honor a commitment to myself, even if it seems arbitrary. I’m so curious to see what comes up when I follow a plan.

I’ve set timers to go off to remind me to check in with TDs before mealtime. I’ve done the whole OE workbook and watched all the OE videos. I have maybe stuck to the plan a few times in the 3 months since I’ve joined. My self-confidence is really taking a beating. I had given up on trying to control my food for this reason–it feels like I’m just torturing myself. Should I keep trying? If so, any advice.