Self judgement even after a "win"


I was a guest lecturer at a client’s class yesterday. I coached myself on my preparing, which included telling myself I was lovable no matter how I performed in the class. I prepared well. I think I did a good job. I saw it as a way to challenge myself and also show up for my client in a different way. I felt nauseated beforehand and did it anyway. I actually channeled my toddler, who bravely marches up the steps to preschool despite crying and “feeling sad about missing you.” I texted a couple friends to report that I had completed the challenge of presenting and hadn’t died. So, all in all the presentation was a success! Yay me. I even shared the experience with my toddler and thanked him for the inspiration.

Fast forward to yesterday evening and my brain started telling me I should have looked at the students sitting on the right side of the class more. That I could have done a better job not rushing my intro. That I should have said more on blah blah blah subject, etc.

C guest lecturer in class
T I am proud of myself for putting myself out there
F relief, pride
A Keep saying yes
R Continue to challenge myself

C guest lecturer in class
T I could have done better in these ways …
F Regret
A Think about the presentation
R Not move forward

I can see how the night thoughts aren’t serving me. And I think I have another model that follows on its heels.

C Thinking about guest lecturing after the fact
T I shouldn’t be picking myself apart
F Annoyed
A Dwell on dwelling on the lecture
R More picking myself apart

I guess I’m kind of stuck with where to go with this? Just sit in the feelings? Or notice that I am judging myself and then judging myself for judging myself?

I put myself out there again today with another presentation, and tomorrow I will be taking a course that requires a lot of participation on vulnerable topics. So, I’m still challenging myself in a way that feels like growth, but what do I do with these night thoughts? Just expect them?