Self-Loathing x1000

Ok. So recently, I’ve felt “pretty crappy” in the mornings. I feel down – and then I’ll do a thought download to get all of the dark thoughts out onto paper. This morning, I had about 4 pages – most of which started with “I hate…” They were all pretty nasty self-judgments. I hate myself, I hate my fashion sense, I hate my lack of motivation, I hate my age, I hate my energy level, I hate my life, I hate my past, I hate I’ve made so many mistakes in my life, I hate… on and on and on. 4 pages.

First – I know none of this is “real”. For some reason (maybe to slow me down from the new business I’m in the middle of, hmmm…) my brain is cranking up the negativity and self-loathing … which is making me fill up my days with distraction. When I see that I’m distracting myself from work and stop, the dark thoughts come in again. All of this self-loathing, self-hatred stuff. When I push myself to get back into setting up my new business, it feels like walking through a marshy swamp with 100 pounds on my back.

I did a model on what seems to be the most underlying thought – “I hate myself”

C: Life
T: I hate myself
F: Despondent
A: No product work, just distraction with gum, social media, etc.
R: I REALLY hate myself even more

I’ve tried “I love myself” as a new T … and “I’m open to the idea that I don’t REALLY hate myself” and even a neutral thought like “I have a self” – and none of these are moving the needle very much. Any thoughts on a thought (or thoughts) to get the brain to ease up on the self-hatred? Logically I “get” that this is just my brain over-generating negativity probably to keep me safe from judgment/rejection in my new biz – but experientially, it’s really slowing me down. Any insight on how to take the energy out of all of this self-loathing would be much appreciated. Thanks!