In your reply to me about dating and how I am pretending to want something I don’t want because I’m trying to control something I can’t control, I think I am doing the same thing with my job.
I’m pretending to want to be there because I am afraid that I will fail somewhere else. I know I have lots of thoughts to clean up about myself if I want to go get another job.
What I don’t understand is the idea of not changing my circumstance. I know it’s not the job that is causing my pain. I know the job and my boss and clients and everything is neutral. It just is. I’m neutral, too. I just am.
I am still thinking that I hate it, I don’t want to do it anymore, and I feel angry and resentful most of the time. I know I judge myself for thinking I hate it and for being angry. This tells me I have more work to do here, right?
Is it when I can truly see that my job, boss, clients, tasks, ME is neutral, that there’s nothing wrong with any of it, and there’s no anger or hate or resentment, and I really see that it’s me creating all of this pain. And when I want to get another job because I want to (not because I hate this one), that’s when I’ll know I’ve done the work. Right?
I feel like this is the hardest work I’ve ever had to do. It’s perfect for me because it’s asking me to evolve and to transform hate into love. It’ll help make me an amazing coach someday.