Sex and shame


I am struggling massively with shame surrounding sex. I think its because of several things, a very strong religious background and upbringing and also this strange thought that I cannot allow myself to have fun or be joyful during sex. In my relationships I either didn’t have sex at all of so infrequently that I can count the amount of times on my two hands for the entire time.

Men have asked me if I have had sexual abuse in my past, but really have not. In my current relationship, my boyfriend is incredibly patient and we are trying to figure it out together. Something I am definitely noticing is that I always feel like I am not enough and not productive enough and then I could not let myself “waste time” by having sex, either because i don’t deserve it or because it feels like I am being wrong, indulgent, etc.

I don’t know really where to start with this, because it feels like an issue I have had forever and I have not been able to feel free about sex ever, to be able to let go or feel connection. I just run away from it as much as I possibly can.

Where do I start to unravel this?