My boyfriend and I got into a fight last night. We’ve been dating for seven years, living together for 3. Both of us are 25. He basically proved me wrong on many levels last night. That I wasn’t a good conversationalist. That I cannot take criticism. That I can never handle healthy debate. That I’m selfish. A big issue in our relationship is that I always feel like he wins fights and I lose but I want to win. Which is not a helpful line of thinking. I want to be the more dominant partner for whatever reason, and this leads to issues because I feel the need to be right even when he always seems to be right.
We are also having a lack of sex issue in our relationship. I want sex more often and he never seems to want it at all. I would love more affection from him in general. It’s not just sex. More cuddling, kissing, hugging. He, in a moment of anger last night said why would I want to have sex with someone who nags me and makes sex a chore? Its unattractive. I understand where he is coming from. We ended on a good note with me asking about conversations and how we could have better convos, as in “what is he looking for”. It turned into a more healthy discussion around that.
But now this morning, I want to distance myself from him. I feel so hurt and embarrassed. Like I’m the pathetic, needy partner in the relationship who’s always the one who’s wrong and messes things up. Even if this is true, I feel so ashamed now. I don’t want to be with him at all. I almost wish he wouldn’t ever attempt to show any affection towards me at all so I could prove myself right that he is, in fact, cold, distant, unaffectionate, and only cares about himself and his interests. But that’s immature. I know this will only damage my relationship if I become more distant and immature.. But the urge to do so is so strong. I’m so angry as well.
How can I think of this in a mature way? He still wants to be with me and I still want to be with him deep down. It’s just going to take some healing time. How can I be mature in the meantime as to not make matters worse? How can I let go of a fictional power dynamic that I am clinging to so unnecessarily?
