Shame


I am noticing that I feel a lot of shame in my relationships because I feel I am not doing everything I can to help the other person. So I live with my sister-in-law. She does most of the cooking in the house. I do help out but I am not as consistent as her. She also spends more time cleaning the house and just doing a lot of housework. It is my house and I feel I am being judged for not keeping my house clean enough and for not cooking as I should. This is affecting how I show up when I talk to her. I can’t look her in the eyes and I feel nervous because I am thinking she knows I am flawed. So here is the model:

C: Conversation with my sister-in law
T: She knows I am flawed
F: Shame
A: I avoid conversations with her. When I do talk my voice is shaky. I don’t look her in the eye. I feel like a fraud. I think I don’t have anything to talk to her about. She doesn’t like me. She knows I can’t keep up with my house tasks. I have a lot of judgment in my mind towards myself of how I am not worthy and how my actions prove I am incapable so I shouldn’t try to pretend to talk and act nice to her when in reality I feel shame because I don’t help her around the house and don’t do enough to share the workload. I think she probably feels like a maid in my house. I am not staying present in the conversation. I am not showing myself compassion.
R: I believe I am flawed

There is a tremendous amount of shame here. I feel I should be able to do everything and if my house is messy or I am not cooking food, it is an indication that I am unworthy and unlovable.

Where do I begin to move beyond this? I have done a lot of thought work and at some level I know that I am worthy and lovable, and that my desire to show perfection and be a people pleaser is really hurting me.