Hello! I am writing because my “dare of the day” was to get coaching on something I am ashamed of, and I want to experience the negative emotions connected to that since I don’t want them to control me and I ultimately want to be open and honest.

Over the weekend I went on a trip with some friends and we stayed at an Airbnb. We had two extra people in our group but I only booked the place for three people. It said specifically in the directions that only three guests were allowed to stay and that additional charges would apply if more people came. Together my friends and I agreed to not let the host know that more people came, our motive being that we could save some money. This decision went against one of my core values which is to be open and honest. I was not totally comfortable with this decision but I pushed that aside and kept quiet about it to my friends and the host.

The morning we checked out of the Airbnb the host confronted us as a group about having more guests than I booked for. She was physically present and spent two minutes yelling at us about how we were all liars, deceitful, an embarrassment to the parents who raised us. Most of this was pointed at me since I was the person who booked the room. She was very upset and took the whole thing very personally, and I was very ashamed.

While I know that what she said was true: I did hide the truth from her and I did know better, how do I continue to move through this healthily? I do want to feel the shame of my actions: I was secretive and dishonest with her and myself, and I do not want to act like this. But I also want to have my own back and learn from this and realize it is not the end of the world.

I have a really hard time with confrontation, and I tend to just melt when I experience something like this. I am really proud of myself for trying to look at it all from the outside and let it be the past, moving in a healthier direction now. But I do keep getting stuck on the shame and dishonesty. I keep seeing these qualities in myself everywhere and it takes me down into being even more closed up and secretive. How can I acknowledge that what the lady said about me was true, but does not define every aspect and action about me?

I tend to believe what others say about me and take their definition of me over what I want to believe about myself, and this confrontation was a big hit at my self confidence and my self love. But maybe if I can isolate these thoughts to this one event, feel the shame and embarrassment from that one action and use it to know myself better, then it doesn’t need to color every other action I am performing?

How do I get back to standing firm in my core value of being open and honest? And believing that I can live this? Or even believing that I have a right to want to be open and honest after I have proved that I am not?

Thank you so much for listening and for your help!